I am totally aware that this blog will make me sound like a total snob and dick. I don’t care. I hate car guards. They are lower than beggars in my books.
Imagine for a moment… It is Saturday morning, the birds are singing, the sun is shining, you haven’t been burgled the night before and all is well in the land of Azania. You take a leisurely drive to your regular breakfast spot with your significant other, relaxed and ready for a lovely weekend at home.
Time to unwind, relax and enjoy the things you work so hard for. As you turn into the parking lot, you notice one, then another… your heart starts to beat just a little bit faster as you manage to dodge your way into a parking bay without incident.
You get out of your car and lock it three or four times just to be sure; this is Joburg. Then you hear it, like the call of a Nazgûl that tears into your very being and does things to your soul that even Garry Glitter wouldn’t do to a 12 year old. Its call triggers the purest form of rage possible in the human brain: “Hello seh! Hello seh, I check for you, no worries my baas! Sharp!”
The common car guard. The bane of my existence.
Firstly, I’m not your fucking baas. We have moved past that point as a country. Get with the times asshole. If you’d like to be beaten with a sjambok keep calling me baas.
Secondly, what exactly are you going to check fuckbucket? Without sounding like a yuppie dick, I need to paint the picture for you. I drive a car that has real-time online satellite tracking, an early warning system, smash and grab protection, anti hijacking thingymabobs and an encrypted alarm system that is impossible to override without getting a new key from Germany at the price of an overseas trip. It is fully insured. What in the name of fuck is it exactly that you are going to check for me? Unless someone hooks my car to a helicopter and flies away with it, it is fairly safe from being stolen. If someone scratches it, I have insurance and you will be long gone by the time that this angry baas gets back to tear you a new asshole for not watching my car so lekker.
Back to imagination land… Ok, so you’ve now had your breakfast, the waiter has pissed you off and you’ve had a fallout with your significant other because of your anger management problem. As you walk back to your car, you are confronted by the sad faced car guard who so dutifully watched your car while you were spending the money you work hard for and earn doing an honest job (unless you are a telemarketer for FNB or Edgards, then you are a doos). Before getting into your car, he says: “I checked nice boss, thank you sir” Wait a minute! Thank you? Thank you for what exactly poephol? Thank you for annoying me?
Then comes the coupe de grace, the cherry on the chocolate cake of frustration and annoyance. He shows me how to reverse out of my parking bay! Yes, this unemployed person who has probably never been inside a car in his life and most certainly does not have his K53 license is going to show me how to reverse my luxury German sedan out of a parking. The same luxury German sedan that has park distance indicators that show me exactly how far I am fromt stuff behind me.
I can only shake my head. Of course, most of the time these servants of humanity don’t know that cars have reverse sensors, so they stand behind the car and completely fuck up the sensors so that it sounds like a DubStep song inside of the car with all of the beeping sounds. I really hate them. So very much.
Right, that was my rant. Now the rationale. Why are these assholes allowed at just about every shopping centre in SA? What purpose do they really serve? What value do they add to my shopping experience? Are they trained to use weapons, what authority do they have? Do they have any training in crime prevention or traffic directing? What are they going to do if someone scratches or breaks into your car? Will he put his life on the line to save your property? I think not.
These fuckers are nothing more than beggars in neon orange vests. If a car guard makes R50 – R100 per day standing around doing nothing, why is he going to get an actual job? They add nothing of value and feed on lazy Sandton tannies who are too full of shit to pack their over priced Woolies groceries into their Porche Cayennes and people who feel sorry for them because of their circumstances. Millions of other people come from the same circumstances and find themselves honest employment;. perhaps not C-level office jobs, but at least they earn an honest living.
Give a car guard a fish and he will eat for a day, teach him how to fish and he’ll go back to standing around doing fuck-all because it is less work.
