So, I get tons of “you’ve won/inherited/been chosen for $10 000 000 000 emails and I usually ignore them, but this one really caught my eye:
On 4 April 2011 08:25, Daine Tyson <email@example.com> wrote:
My name is Diane Tyson , Deaf and Dumb widow dying of critical illness. You have been chosen to be the sole beneficiary of USD 1.5m, inherited from my late husband. I need a good spirited person to use these funds properly for Good works and charitable ventures. Please treat this matter with urgency as I will need your complete devotion. Kindly reply for further details.
Deaf, dumb, widowed and dying of an unspecified critical illness (doesn’t critical mean, on the verge of death and unable to type emails?). What a sad and sorry fucking loser, Diane must have seriously shitty Karma.
I am not one to judge though, so I thought I’d write back with a proposal for a genuinely philanthropic cause:
On 4 April 2011 09:17, XXXXXXX<XXXX@cockbagsonfire.com> wrote:
I’d love to use the funds to start a business venture I’ve been planning for a long time now.
Here is the pitch:
When normal parents give birth to a midget, it is understandable that they would be very distraught about this fact and that they would want to exchange it for a normal sized person. On the other side of this, parents who are “little persons” who spawn normal sized children would want to exchange their offspring for the diminutive version because of various reasons (mainly because “little people” take up less space and eat less).
I’d like to buy an island and rent out tiny little apartments specially adapted for “little people”. These apartments would give “little people” a safe and comfortable place to build a community away from the ridicule and scorn of us “normal sized folks”.
When normal sized parents decide to exchange their “little person” child, they come to the island and pick a “normal sized child” to exchange for their “little person” child. A fee is paid to my company for the administration of this exchange, and everybody wins!
As a sideline, I was thinking of building a theme park on the island. This would provide much required employment and entertainment to all of the “little people” living on the island. I was thinking of going with a Christmas theme, and make little elf uniforms for the employees. This is only and idea, and I might go for a “little person” bowling alley or something else completely.
I have some plans for a reality TV series as well. I might call it “Lost – In the Undergrowth”.
I’ve been trying to obtain funding from our government for this fail-proof business venture, but up to now I’ve been unsuccessful. I believe that your email is a sign that the dark lord Cthulhu wants me to build my island community. I’ve already picked out a site in the southern Pacific Ocean.
I am very excited! The funds from your husband’s death will be spent on making many thousands of people happy.
I’m looking forward to speaking with you!
Feel free to email me to discuss this matter further!
Let’s wait for the response… I hope there is a response. It would make my life.
UPDATE: I got a response! Holy shit! I got a response!
On 4 April 2011 09:36, Daine Tyson <firstname.lastname@example.org> wrote:
This not a hoax, I have attached prove of funds for your perusal. You are getting 30% of the total sum $1.5million to cover all the expenses that will occure in South Africa while i take care of the accumulated demurrage charges at the security company here in UK but you will take care of the clearing of the box in South Africa as soon as it arrives in South Africa and please when communicating with the security company or the diplomat that will be sent to deliver the money, Do not discuss the actual content of what the diplomat will be delivering to you because the diplomat is not allowed to know. Though this transaction is 100% risk free. I will go ahead with the change of ownership of the said funds in your names as the new beneficiary.
Finally, your idea on how to spend the money is a very good idea, I really welcome your idea please keep it up and make sure that you don’t change your initial good plans with me.
Await for your urgent response.
I am actually at a loss for words right now… I’ll post a response in a while. I need to first process the stupidity of this Daine/Diane pigrapist.
NEW UPDATE! I didn’t want to spoil the fun just yet, so I responded with the following:
On 4 April 2011 14:54, XXXXXXX <email@example.com> wrote:
I’m very glad that you like the idea of my “small person” island.
I have so many great ideas that I would like to share with you. I see that you are based in the UK? I am going to book a ticket to come and see you as soon as I can. When and where can we meet?
I would however only be able to travel in about 3 weeks time. I’m getting married next week, and my future husband and I are very excited about this. Him and I have been waiting for years for our government to legalise gay marriages so that we can have a commitment ceremony on the beach in Cape Town, in Camps Bay.It is going to be absolutely fabulous. We would like to buy a house, and adopt a few wonderful kids. We want to be just like Angelina Jolie and that sexy hunk of a husband of hers. We would love to meat him one day. Do you like children?
What can we do to secure these funds? I’ve told my life partner and he is now also very excited about the money, and the island. We would love to live on the island with all of our kids and the “little people”.Would you like to transfer the funds through my business, of through me personally?
Now I can’t possibly get a response to this one… It just isn’t possible. *fingers crossed*
ANOTHER REPLY! Now it is getting childish…
OK, I didn’t think it was possible, but here we go:
On 4 April 2011 16:31, Daine Tyson <firstname.lastname@example.org> wrote:
I am very glad after reading from you because of faithfullness, I love children but I don’t have one that is why I contacted you so that you will use the funds for good work as you have mentioned before now please see attached file, which is the change of ownership that i got from the security company today, Please I would want you to send me your address where the diplomat will deliver the money to you through a diplomatic means in your names in South Africa and not through bank.
Please send your direct telephone number where the diplomat will contact you as soon as the consignment arrives in South Africa for clearing at airport from customs. and do not discuss the actual content in the box that the diplomat is delivering to you because he is not allowed to know. though this transaction is 100% risk free. please always write to this email (email@example.com).
I am waiting to hear from you urgently.
My reply this time *might* have been a bit over the top. If I get a response to this I will lose my faith in humanity completely.
On 7 April 2011 15:25, XXXXXX <johann@XXX.com> wrote:
Thank you ever so much for the proof of ownership document. I’ve told my parents about the money, and they are so excited! My father owns a computer business and has a lot of money, but he is very excited for us. He said that he would help us with anything we need. He is such a good guy. He even blessed our union, and he is excited about becoming “grandpa” when we adopt our little ones. I also can’t wait!
My sexy and man I were wondering what you look like. We’ve included a picture of ourselves and we’d like to see a picture of you. Could you hold up the certificate of change of ownership in front of your chest for us, just so we can be 100% sure that you are real and that this is not a hoax? We’d also like you to take the photo wearing only your underwear. We need to be 100% sure that you are for real, and that the certificate wasn’t faked.
Our picture was taken at the annual Bear Pride Festival in Johannesburg in 2010. We had such a good time, even though my man needed surgery and antibiotics afterwards. He has made a full recovery now, and we can’t wait till the next one!
I am the guy on the left, my muscle stud “husband to be” is on the right. His name is Simon. It is so sad that he doesn’t have a uterus, I would have loved for him to have my children. Maybe in time medical science can make this dream a reality, but I suppose that only time will tell.
What do you do for fun Daine? Do you enjoy going to festivals? We love festivals. We also enjoy riding around Cape Town on our motorcycles, and going to see art films.
My fiancé and I are so excited about our island in the sun! We love the sun. We often spend the whole day on the beach, tanning nude and rubbing each other up with oil. We’ve actually decided to postpone our wedding until we’ve bought the island, so that we can have a wedding procession of fire jugglers and other fantastic circus performers to celebrate our union under the dark lord Cthulhu. Hail Cthulhu!
As soon as we get the picture of you holding the certificate, we will send you the rest of our details.
Looking forward to hearing from you!
Johann and Simon
There we go.